Time For An Unpdate...

When I last posted things were not well between J and I at all! They stayed that way until the end of March when she text me to say Happy Birthday. That opened up a line of communication between us, and we have been talking since.

There has been so much going on in our reunion that I can only begin by saying...WOW!

We have been talking since late March, not as much as we used to but enough to stay in contact and be comfortable with each other. Her and her bio dad's reunion is pretty non-existent at this point. I do hope that one day that will change but for now it is what she needs.

In late April I began talking with her about my GED graduation that was going to take place in May. She told me that she would really like to be there for it and would do what she could to come. I had mixed feelings about it but was excited at the idea of seeing her. It had been almost a year since we last saw each other.

So once the final date for the graduation was set I let her know. She told me that she was not going to miss it and that she would be there no matter what. I told her OK and that I would make room for her here. And so the plans were laid out for her to come.

She arrived here in Illinois from Maryland on May 24Th, my graduation was set for May 28Th, and she intended to stay until the 31st.. I was happy to see her and was glad that she had made it a priority to come for my graduation.

Except things didn't stay happy for long!

After about 2 days of her being here and me not really getting to see her. (She became fast friends with a cousin I have that is only a few months older than she is and so spending time with my cousin and my cousins's friends became more of a priority than me and the family.) I became incredibly frustrated! I wanted to spend time with her too, and all she wanted to do was run away from me (or so it seemed anyway). Things went downhill between her and I very quickly when her and my cousin did some not so good things that involved my 16 year old "raised" daughter!

By the time my graduation rolled around I was so hurt and so fed up I just wanted her to go back home. I said some things that I am not proud of about her to my friend though a text message and J found out by reading my text messages. Needless to say she was very hurt by it, and the hurt and animosity began to build! Finally I snapped and so did she, and a huge fight ensued.

I told her to pack her things and get out of my house and she called the cops on me. It was a mess!

It was right about this time that I found out that she had not told her adoptive parents that she was coming here, but she had told them that she was at the beach in Maryland! So I called her adoptive mom to let her know where she was, and to see if she could try and talk her into coming home early. (she still had like 4 days left of her trip here) WHAT A MISTAKE!!! Instead they flipped out, threw a fit and kicked her out of the house. She told J that she just as well stay here because she no longer had a home to come home to!

By this point everything was in turmoil, and there was a LOT of drama going on! The next day her adoptive mom called to let me know that J had decided to stay here and find an apartment, but that I should know that J wanted nothing to do with me at all. She then went on to tell me that I was not to attend family function if J was there. It was total craziness!

After about 3 days things settled down and I sent J a text message telling her that I was really sorry for the things I had said about her. That I did love her, and that I hoped one day we could fix the things that had been done to the relationship over the last few days. She text back and told me that she was sorry too, and that she loved me too.

From there we began talking about what her plans were and how she was going to accomplish them. She had no job, no home, and no money! She told me that she had an inheritance coming and that she could live off of that until she found a job, that she had found an apartment, and was going to go to the local cosmetology school in the fall.

And so far that is what she has done. She is looking for a job (hopefully she won't go back to dancing), and she is going to go with me this week to take her entrance exam for school. Her relationship with her adoptive parents is not good at all right now, but I do pray that in the near future they can work through all of this. I have talked with the adoptive parents several times over the last few weeks, and they seem resigned to the idea of not wanting much to do with her.

In my own opinion they see this as losing her to me. Which is not the case at all. I really think that it is more of a case of them losing her to own her person. You know? Honestly, I don't see her anymore than they would have if she was still living there. She is busy making new friends, and trying to find her way in this new world of hers. I only see her if we have something planned or if I pin her down to plans with me. Otherwise she is doing her own thing.

So that is my current update! And yes I know there has been a lot going on, but at the same time things seemed to have settled down as well. I will try to post updates more often and as they come up.

Love to all...

UGH...Where Do I Begin...

As most of you that have followed my blog know my reunion with J has been riddled with conflict, emotions, guilt, hurt, anger, love, wanting, waiting, and every other emotion you can imagine. As painful as it has been, I am glad she sought me out. For as much as I have been hurt by her and she by me, and us by others...there is not one single moment of my reunion with J I would trade for the years of not having her.

It has not been easy at all, as a matter of fact it has been the second most difficult thing I have done in my life. Placing her for adoption was the first! I love her with a love that is indescribable, and with a passion that only another birth mother can understand. I miss her with every fiber of my being everyday of my life, it not the same missing that I did when I didn't have her. This missing her is marred with the knowledge that she misses me just the same. Unfortunately this is a worse missing than the other.

Things are not going well in our reunion right now, and honestly I don't know when they will be again. She is very young and very immature, and she tends to make choices that I don't agree with. Please understand I know it is not my job to judge her or her choices, but it is my job to keep my own values and morals front and center in my life. Unfortunately, at this moment in my life with the kinds of choices she is making I would have to sacrifice my own values and morals to support what she is doing, and I just can't.

If I were to toss my own values and morals aside to support her in her new "profession" in life, I would lose a big part of who I am and the woman I have become. And for the sake of myself (not my children, my family, nor my husband) but for myself I just can't do that. It hurts me to have had to tell her that for this moment in time I can't be there to support her because I can't agree with her choices. It hurts me to know how very angry she is with me because I think she can make better choices, but the bottom line is I know she is better than she is giving herself credit for, and I won't lose who I am in her process of figuring it all out.

She has chosen to take the most degrading and disrespectful job that a woman/girl could have for the sake of quick and "easy" cash, and I am terribly bothered by this. I worry about her well being both physically and emotionally because she has chosen to work in the "professional" environment. I am terrified that something will happen to her, and then I would regret never telling that I thought she was so much better and could do so much better than this. I am in a constant state of fret that my beautiful daughter, the one that I did sacirfice my young self for, will become just another statistic, just another stripper that has been raped, murdered, and tossed in a dumpster. I am not going to lie...it scares the hell out of me.

When I placed her up for adoption it was with the hope (and because I was led to believe) that she would have a better life than I could have given her. This is not better, and in my opinion you can't get any worse. It cuts my heart in half knowing that this is what her life has come to be. It sickens me to think that she doesn't see herself as a better person than this. And honestly it makes me sob when I think about all the time I have lost with her, and to know that this is where all that lost time has led to.

Just because I am upset with her poor choices does not mean that I have stopped loving her, because I still love her so very much. I just can't continue to be assaulted with the short comings that she thinks life has dealt her. She places most of the blame of her horrible life at my feet because of the adoption, and who knows maybe she is somewhat right. Maybe I need to take some responsibility in this and say I made the wrong choice 18 years ago, and yet maybe she needs to understand that had I raised her she would be a completely different person.

J is not the same person she would have been had I raised her, nor would I be the same person I am today had I kept her. But at least for me I am beginning to like who I am and the adult I have grown up to be. I am very concerned that she will never be able to say that, her poor choices and terrible actions scream the fact that she does not like who she is, and that make me so very sad...not just for her but for myself and her adoptive parents as well.

I wanted her to grow up and be loved, and feel loved. I wanted her to be happy, secure, and confident...and it sickens me that she is none of the above. I have tried to show her how much I love her, I have tried to show her what it means to a part of a happy, healthy, and secure family...but she is so resistant to the idea of letting my hubby and kids in, not to mention the rest of my extended family. So all I can do at this point is allow her to remove herself from my life, to pray for her safety, to pray that she will discover her own self-worth (which I do every single day), and to hope that she will at some point open heart and mind up to God and then once again to me. I don't feel like there is much else I can do.

Love to all...

The Most Honest Words...

I miss my mom... :( :(

I love you with all my heart,
I've never seen your face,
We have nevee met
I am so angry with you
every year I wait and wait
you never come back
my birthday comes and goes without you
I hate you for not coming back
I don't know why you don't
don't you miss me?
do you remember me?
do I look like you?
where are you?
why don't you love me enough to come get me?
do you love me?
did you forget me?
do you have a family?
are you still alive?
do you want me?
why did you leave me?
how could you carry me
bring me into this world
connect with me give birth to me
see me come to life
and still not keep me?
how could you just leave me like that?

I watch all these dumb shows on TV about giving up children for adoption and I hate them...My birthday is about a month away and I hate seeing mothers change their mind about letting go of their child. I hate it I want to know how my bmom could possibly give birth to me and not change her mind? How could she carry me for 9 months and not want me in her life...Every year I wish that on my birthday she will come and get me and hug me and tell me how much she loves me and what a big mistake she made...that never happens and my heart breaks each time...I hate my birthday and I have all these expectations that are not reasonable both of my bmom coming back for me and from my friends and family...I always think i want this huge celebration but nothing ever meets my expectations and i am always disappointed. it just hurts me so much especially because i am in medical school and we are learning about all the changes that happen during and after pregnancy...i just don't understand how she could carry me and not hold me and if she did how could she still give me up? I'm so angry and so hurt and i still love her so much...does any of this make any sense? i don't understand why I get disappointed every year with my birthday with my friends and family when...It's like i tell them i don't want to celebrate and secretly want them to celebrate me or surprise me anyway but all i really want is her to tell me she loves me and she made a mistake...i hate that as my birthday gets closer and closer i get sadder and sadder and as soon as its over I'm not allowed to be sad anymore...i feel like its the only time that's just about me and that if there ever where a time that she would be thinking about me at the exact same time it would be on that day...then once its over i feel like its over and i won't have that special and painful day for a whole year again and that makes me sad too...i don't know if any of this makes any sense but i just really can't take how much it hurts as it gets closer...
__________________
- written by didi20 at a.com

I haven't really been on a.com lately for now other reason than that I have just been very busy with the holidays and such. But when I finally found time today to log in and read some of the recent posts on there I came across this post. It really broke my heart, I mean honestly as I read it I started crying...deep heart broken sobs. I think these are the most honest and heart felt words any adoptee could use to describe their adoption journey. It is so hard to read as birth mother, but it really makes you realize that even though we place these babies into the loving arms of their adoptive parents they take with them such a large part of what we birth mom's are feeling. That even though we live a lifetime of hurt (or what feels like a lifetime) being without our babies, those very babies feel the hurt of not being with their natural born mothers as well. I'm not really sure if adoption is a good thing or a bad thing but I do know that adoption definitely hurts! (and didi20's post is proof of that!)

Love to all...

Christmas Shopping For J...

Since our reunion began in March of 2008, this was to be the first Christmas that J and I would celebrate "together". I was excited to add her name to the list of people I buy gifts for. I put a lot of time and thought into a few of the gifts and the rest were things she told me she wanted.

My hubby and I agreed that J would be allotted the same dollar amount as our other children as far as gift buying went. So I set out on the day after Thanksgiving with the bazillion other people to begin my holiday shopping for J. I wanted to get hers done fairly early so that I could get it in the mail so that it would arrive in time for Christmas.

I bought her quite a few nice things that she wanted, and a few things that I wanted her to have. But mostly I struggled for that something special gift. You know...the one that says I love you so much and think about you everyday even though you aren't here with us. I must have wondered around the store what seemed like hours to my "raised" daughter looking for THAT gift. I was truly stumped...I just didn't know what THAT gift was.

I didn't want to get her jewelry, as she already has a lot of very expensive jewelry (and that was not in our budget this year). I didn't want to get her a photo album or a picture frame or anything that could be seen as an impose by her amom. I seriously considered writing her a very hear felt letter, but honestly I am just not ready to that yet. So in eliminating all that stuff what do you get as a gift that will be as heartfelt and special to the receiver as it is to the giver? I just didn't know.

So after finally walking up and down the aisles for what seemed like forever I was just about ready to give up when it hit me! Why not send her a baby doll, I am sure that probably sounds like something stupid to send an 18 year old, but she has often told me that as a little girl she loved playing with her dolls and barbies. And since I never had the chance to buy her a baby doll as she was growing up I decided that maybe that would be the perfect thing to send her. So I sent her one of each, no I do not expect that she will play with them. What I wanted them to say to her was...I know we can't ever go back and re-do the past but we can make new memories for the future. And I wanted her to know that although I missed the chance to buy those kinds of things for when she was little I also wanted her to know that I will never miss the chance again.

Just so that she wouldn't think I had lost my mind after wrapping the two dolls I wrote this on each one of the tags...

Because I never had the chance, but also to let you know I will never miss the chance again!
Love, Mom

I hope she gets as much out of those two gifts as I got deciding on them, it was a difficult task but one I am glad I chose to undergo.

Love to all...

Today I Am Thankful...

Here we are are the start of this years holiday season and as I look back over this year I realize that I have so very much to be thankful for. It is incredibly unreal to me how much has happened this year, it definitely has been a year of many surprises.

Here is my list of things that I am thankful for:

1. My daughter is alive and well!
2. My daughter wants a relationship with me.
3. My other children are happy and healthy.
4. My family has embraced my daughter.
5. My family and friends that love me and my family.
6. My family and friends that have supported my reunion.
7. My brother-in-law served our country in Iraq.
8. My sister-in-law did not go completely crazy when my brother-in-law was gone.
9. My brother-in-law returned home safely to his beautiful family.
10. My brother is serving our country in Iraq.
11. My other sister-in-law will be returning to Illinois from Hawaii with my niece and nephew.
12. I was able to enjoy an extended vacation with our family and friends in Maryland.
13. My family loves each other through thick and thin.

As I look over that list I realize that I have probably forgotten something, but the bottom line is I was blessed this year. And for that I have not much to complain about going into the remainder of the holiday season and the new year.

From my home to yours...Happy Thanksgiving!

Love to all...

Well...I Passed...

I am writing this to let everyone know that I did indeed pass my GED test, now I just have to take a mandated US Constitution Test and I will get that coveted High School Equivalency Certificate. I am hoping to get the Constitution Test done by Dec 11th, so that I will have the certificate to be able to register for classes for Spring semester.

I don't know guys I have to admit I thought I would be over the moon with the knowledge that I have finally passed my GED test, and on the first try even and never really having taken any prep classes for it. But honestly I am feeling pretty melonchaly about it. When I first read the results I was stunned that I had passed it, I thought for sure that I was going to have to retake at least the math portion again. So yes I was caught a bit off guard by the fact that I passed it the first time around.

It has taken me several days to really figure out why I am feeling almost "down" about passing that test. I have spent a lot of time over the past 7 (almost 8) months of our reunion grieving the loss of my daughter, (A luxury I have never allowed of myself.) but I have never ever grieved for the loss of myself, of the person I was, the person I wanted to be, of the person that I am because of the adoption. I never really thought about how much I lost of myself. Don't get me wrong I lost my daughter, but I also lost myself...me.

Taking my GED test was a HUGE thing for me in and of itself, but passing it opened a floodgate of emotions I didn't even know I was still feeling after 18 years. I lost who I was, and the person that I was striving to be when I placed my daughter up for adoption. I lost sight of what I wanted for myself. I felt like my own hopes and dreams walked out of that hospital wailing pitifully and wrapped in a blanket. I am now realizing that I TOTALLY lost me...all of who I was when I made the choice to allow 2 other people to walk away from that hospital and parent my daughter.

I am now in this grievous fog of longing for myself back, desperately wanting to reclaim ME without losing who I have been for the last 18 years. I am not sure that makes any sense at all to anyone but me. Part of the sadness that I am feeling over passing the GED test is...for the last 18 years that has been a huge part of me and what makes me...me. It is one of the few parts I still have/had of the "little lost girl" that I was when my birth mom journey started. For the last 18 years not finishing my high school education has been my battle cry, it has been my reason to be a stay at home mom, it has been my reason for some of the dumb (even though I knew better) choices I have made, it has been my reason for the depression I often suffer from, it has even been my reason to sharp with my tongue. I have wielded it like a sword in battle, it was my weapon of mass destruction. Not many people would argue with me when I would say...yeah but who wants me or would listen to me, I'm a dumb high school dropout remember?

Ironically here lately I have finally begun to allow myself to dream dreams of my very own. Not dreams for my marriage or my children but for me. I want to go back to school and get a degree, I want to be something. The reason I said ironically is because with all the plans that I have been making to go back to school I still put off that GED test. The emotional representation of that test for me was the (quasi) equivalent of God telling Mary that her child, her son, was to be sacrificed. The emotions that Mary must have felt when God's greater plan for her son began to happen is how I felt about that test. I know that some of you are probably thinking that I am stretching that a bit by using that analogy, but honestly it is true. The panic, the pain, the sadness, the just wanting to be over, the want and even the need to stop it (I will admit this I had control over, Mary did not), the knowing that it was for the best, the desire to protect...all those emotions were there for me when it came to taking that test.

I would begin taking classes and would never get through more than 2 or 3 before I found a reason not to go anymore. I would sign up for the test and always have a reason not to actually go and take it. Most of the time I would make myself physically ill at the mere thought of taking that test. I once had an actually panic attack over taking the classes, this was truly a huge weakness for me. Everyone would tell me that I was smart and shouldn't fear the test, but I could never get anyone to understand that smarts had nothing to do with it, it was all emotions for me. I am not sure how I actually walked into that room those two days and sat down and actually took that test, but I did. I think a lot of it because of the reunion, but I think most of it is because I was finally ready...and nobody was pushing me to do it.

Now that is is done, and I am very thankful that I don't have to retake it, I am feeling just a bit sad. I am hoping that it doesn't last long, but I am kind of glad the sadness is there. I am glad it is there because I has helped me to realize that I have lost so much of myself and that it is time to grieve the loss of that person that I was but am no longer. I felt better today than I have since I found out about passing it, so that is a good sign. I miss my 18 year old self, but am kind of glad I no longer have carry her on my shoulders anymore...she was getting quite heavy and cumbersome. I am going to move forward in my life and hopefully fulfill some of those things I have begun dreaming about, but I will never ever forget that girl that I have carried for the last 18 years. I have dried her tears, pounded out her frustrations, swelled with pride at her accomplishments, and even giggled for her when she was happy...but...it is time to let her go, so that I can move forward. I will miss her very much she is who I have been for the last 18 years, but I think that she is happy that I have my daughter back and that I am reclaiming my life. So farewell "little girl" I love who you were, I will think of you often, but most importantly I thank you for letting me go and giving me the chance to LIVE!!!

Love to all...

What It's Like To Be A Birthmom...

I found this tonight on my birthmom support message board and had to share it. I think it is so very well thought out and spoken. For those of you that are birthmoms you will probably agree and for those of you that are not, this is a sneak peek into the heart and soul of a birthmom. This is written with more honesty from a birthmom's point of view than anything I have ever been able to write.

Orginally Posted by tangled27@hotmail.com on a.com

Being a birthmom is never being able to look at a baby on the street without remembering.

Being a birthmom is flinching when someone asks you if you plan to have children and you don't know how to tell them that you already have.

Being a birthmom is being plagued with wondering if you did the right thing.

Being a birthmom is wondering if your child can ever know how very much you loved them.

Being a birthmom is like feeling less. Less of a person, less of a parent, less of a provider.

Being a birthmom is wondering if your child is thinking about you.

Being a birthmom is being silent because you can't tell anyone without knowing if they will hate you for what you did.

Being a birthmom is worrying that your child will not turn out okay if you keep them.

Being a birthmom is worrying that your child will not turn out okay if you give them up.

I am a birthmother. Maybe I was not your birthmother but the feelings I had when I held my baby in my arms were the same as your birthmothers because it is an impossibility that she didn't feel the same overwhelming love for you.

If your adoption didn't turn out well, know that that was not your birthmothers intention. She loved you. She was plagued with self-doubt and didn't know if she was good enough for you, her precious child. She could not find one single thing that was wrong with you. There was only something that she felt was wrong with herself , her situation or her future. She didn't mean to gamble with your future by giving you up, she thought keeping you was a gamble with your future and she couldn't bear to do that to you.

She was presented with two paths for you, and one seemed the road paved with certain happiness - two parents to love you who could give you everything you wanted. She looked down the road she was taking and saw a rocky path covered in fog. There are some mothers who choose the rocky fog-covered path , yes. But I couldn't do that. You were so precious, I gave you one last kiss and send you down a road I hoped would be filled with sunshine and happiness. Then I bent my head and made my way into the fog.

I am sorry if you hurt because I didn't bring you with me. But I did. You are in my heart, you are in my head. But do not cry for my sadness or I will weep even more. For you, I will make my way through the fog and hope that way off in the distance our paths will cross and that you will have received all of the happiness I hoped for you. And I will strive to do whatever I can to make myself someone you will be proud to have emerged from.

Your birthmother loved you. Even if she is not actively looking for you there is not even a chance that she didn't love you. She thinks about you always.

Believe me, I know...